Just Another Monday:

Quick update since I'm exhausted. School was tedious and boring...however there is a boy...but any news on that will have to wait until this weekend. I consumed by daily allotted calories and am now doing homework and going to bed. Tomorrow I have therapy, that should be fun. I honestly hate my therapist...I mean she is fine, but good god I hate all of her stories and moral lessons. Luckily she is very easily manipulated, so she serves her purpose well. Eh, I have wed off from school, so hopefully I can get something, anything done. I plan on fasting that day in order to compensate for going out to sushi with my family afterward. Normally I'd skip it, but it's a birthday. Anyways, for wed I plan on having:

Breakfast: Cheerios + milk = 140
Lunch: Ham Sandwich = 180
Snake: Apple = 80
Dinner: Chicken + Salad = 250

The Plan:

My plan to lose those 20 pounds is simple: eat less than 700 calories a day. Come on Lilly, it's not that hard. Each day I'm going to post a menu for what I'm going to eat that day and then I'll follow up with what I actually ate. Along with this I plan to post one inspiration picture.

Tomorrows Meal Plan:
Breakfast - salad = 40
Lunch - sandwich = 180
Snack - apple = 80, gum/diet soda = 100
Dinner - lean cuisine mandarin chicken + salad = 300
Total Caloric Intake: 700

Hello World:

Not that I’m really addressing the world, but hell, it sounds better than “hello nobody.” Even though that is the existence of my life. Anyways, hi, my name is Lilly. I’m 15 years old and going no where in life. I hate all the touchy feely shit in friendships and I pretty much trust nobody, which means there’s no point in having secrets. You either know nothing or know it all. I was a competitive gymnast for almost 8 years of my life. 20+ hours a week. Talent, potentially, hell. Gymnastics was a mixed bag: abusive coaches, but they were abusive because I was good enough to go somewhere. But then again, even life’s gifts like to smack you in the face. I got hurt, I was forced to quit. I developed a sever panic/anxiety disorder, depression and of course, an eating disorder. I lost 35 pounds, almost died after passing out and spent another 3 months in a different living hell. My relationship with my parents dissolved and I spent 2 months as an inpatient…but of course, since I attract shit apparently, I ended up with some verbally abusive staff. That destroyed my last shred of hope and I’ve spent the last year trying to hold myself together because no matter how much I hate my life I try to keep my promise that I will never cause the kind of pain that Eric caused me. Now, I fear life itself, I live in a cave which I’ve constructed. Sure, I go to school, I “function.” But inside, I’m dead. Which is why I *will* change what has happened. I recently went off of my antidepressant medications, which actually backfired, made me numb and caused me to eat away my feelings. That’s why I’m here. I’m done fucking my life over. I want friends, ones who won’t abandon me. But to begin with, I need to pick up the pieces of my life and start anew. I have 20 pounds to lose. I have a horse show next weekend. I want 5 of them gone. Here starts a journey, which can only have one end: life or deaths…no, no, don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not really, exactly suicidal. But at this point I can’t imagine getting lower. At least in gymnastics I had something to withstand, some goal that if I could only endure this then I would achieve that.

Anyways, that was probably boring and tedious. So I’ll stick current. I attend a large public high school. I’m in 10^th grade, taking honors and AP courses. I plan on majoring in biology or psychology. I can’t go into to much detail since I’m sure my parents try to randomly read blogs in hopes of catching me doing something…